“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing,” said someone, at some point. Okay, sure. But there is definitely such thing as annoying weather. Thus, we present our list of annoying weather (in no particular order).
Rain-snow mix
Stop trying to be two things at the same time, Precipitation. Either be rain or be snow. You’re not brunch. At the very least, get a better portmanteau. The word “snain” is gross.
Warm wind
“There’s a warm wind blowing the stars around. And I’d really love to see you tonight.” No, England Dan & John Ford Coley. Warm wind doesn’t blow the stars around, it blows dirt around. Nobody wants to see anyone after a warm windstorm. They want to take a shower and pour a swimming pool’s-worth of Visine in their eyes.
Sunshowers
Sun? Combined with rain? What’s even happening right now? When it rains while the sun is shining, the weather is gaslighting you.
Freezing temperatures with no snow
It’s a rip-off! The trade-off, when it comes to cold temperatures, should be skiing, and snow forts, and pretty trees. That’s fair. With no snow cover, freezing temperatures just mean frozen ground. If that ground was once mud, it turns hard and lumpy and crater-filled. It makes you stumble, as if you’re Neil Armstrong doing a terrible job of walking on the moon.
Wind during umbrella weather
Unless your umbrella is made of lead, any amount of breeze—say, a butterfly flapping its wings within a nine-foot radius—will cause the umbrella to flip inside out, rendering it useless. Somebody please invent a better umbrella.
Use this wind speed cheat sheet
Cloudy from dawn until dusk
The weather wants to make you think that it’s 4 p.m. all day long. Woot-woot, only one hour until quittin’ time! But no. It’s 11 a.m., and you still have to get through five meetings. Psych!
Ice pellets combined with wind
It’s like someone took a bunch of tiny, irregularly shaped beads, put them in the freezer for three hours, took them out, and then started repeatedly whipping them directly into your face.
Cold with a windchill
Wind snatches away the precious cushion of heat that your body produces. The wind is stealing from you. Worse? Inanimate objects, such as sign posts and your car, get to blissfully remain at air temperature. Lucky.
Do you dress for cold weather the right way?
A voice from the wilderness
Get The Great Outdoors, our biweekly brief on all things nature